TL;DR Molly’s Plant Food is very popular, for obvious reasons. It is potent as fuck and can definitely mimic a good roll at times. Unfortunately, they seem to have some serious problems with consistency when it comes to potency. This is likely the reason for the metric shit-ton of bad press its received in the relatively short time it has been around. Approach with care to avoid being gobbled up.
I’m not a trend follower and I don’t sprint after the newest fad when it comes to anything. Hell, I still listen to vinyl records and read books printed on paper. The fact that something is getting a lot of attention does little, if anything, to persuade me to try it. I prefer to let my naturally curious nature lead me to new discoveries based on whimsy rather than popular opinion. I’ll most likely get around to checking out the hot new product everyone is talking about, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to go out of my way to do it.
The first time I heard about Molly’s, it was already the being portrayed as the face of pure evil by the usual crew of concerned parents, teetotalers, and assorted buzz-killers that prefer to blame the irresponsible actions of individuals on the substances they chose to use irresponsibly. I couldn’t help but feel drawn to this demonized designer drug. After all, I’m a huge fan of Ivory Wave and IW has been similarly tarred and feathered by the same enemies. I decided to head to the interwebs to find out if there was any truth to the claims that this party pill is as dangerous as a dinner date with Hannibal Lecter or if this was yet another case of Reefer Madness Redux.
Online I could only seem to find two types of mentions of Molly’s Plant Food. It was either reviews so glowing that they registered blips on my shill-detector, or news stories screaming for Molly’s head. The news stories all referred to MPF as a product sold in gas stations and head shops. I didn’t take this as the best of signs. When a product doesn’t have a dedicated website or specifically authorized retailer, I get a little suspicious. However, after digging around in the google dirt, I managed to unearth a no-frills webpage that directs the curious over to their online distributor, a site I’d never heard of called zippyfox.com.
The product logo simultaneously attracted and repelled me. Initially, all I could see was the garish, tie-dye background. Tie-dye brings many things to my mind, none of which I find personally appealing – but I digress. Then I noticed the cartoon plant in the center. It was the spitting image of Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors. As a fan of both the film and the original musical, I decided not to judge this particular book by its technicolor cover.
|Feed me, Seymour!|
Shipping was free so they started off immediately with a few points in my mental notebook. Seriously, how do some companies sleep at night charging so much for shipping products that could be mailed in a first class letter with a single stamp? Once they arrived, I noted that each pill was enclosed in a small zipper-bag and that these were pretty fucking big pills. Not Keith Moon-sized-horse-pills, but pretty fucking big. I decided that it would be best to drop half a pill to start and go from there.
Like a good little boy scout, I made sure I was prepared and had lots of water. I washed down half a pill with a significant amount of water and sat back, ready for some sweet sensations. Many of the reviews I’d read online spoke of a very quick onset of the effects. Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed when a solid 30 minutes went by with no noticeable changes to my deplorable state of sobriety. Ever the optimist, I chalked it up to my personal constitution and took the other half.
After another 30 minutes, I was beginning to feel like I’d been had. I could feel an energy boost so slight that it could have been just placebo effect and still none of the euphoria I was so desperately looking forward to. After 15-20 more minutes just to be sure, I dropped half of the second pill. Now, I can’t say if this shit just took an obnoxiously long time to kick in or if the first pill was a dud, but within a few minutes, I was rolling hard. Almost too hard. My teeth were grinding, I was sweating profusely, and my muscles were clenched tighter than a convict’s butthole the first time he walked into a communal shower at the state penn. I sucked down water to stay hydrated and rode out what was a really bad wave that lasted for a solid hour before it settled down to a level that was still strong, yet manageable. If I didn’t have years of experience, I might have been tempted to call 911 for some help, I can only imagine how frightening an experience like this would be for a newb or relative beginner.
After another hour or so, I experienced a pretty gradual comedown and actually enjoyed the rest of the ride. Other than a little trouble falling asleep, the after-effects were minimal. According to the interwebs, MPF is a combination of mephedrone and methylone. Seeing as I’ve had loads of experience with legal highs containing one or both of these compounds, I doubt it was the actives that caused my uncomfortable reaction. It seemed more likely that the producers of MPF need to work on keeping their product’s potency consistent from pill to pill. The first pill did little to nothing for me but half of another hit me like a fucking train. If my theory is correct, I’d say that this inconsistency is the reason for some of the horror stories the media have used to defame the drug. Sure, some are likely due to amateurs who hopped in the deep end when they should have stayed in the kiddie pool, but an inconsistent product can lead even the most experienced chemical explorers astray. When it was doing what it needed to do at the appropriate level, Molly’s Plant Food was a nice ecstasy substitute. When it was showing its fangs, I could see how it might have left some users in the hospital.
All things considered, I’d say stay away unless you’re particularly fearless or have the patience to drop in very small increments over a long period of time to determine the proper dosage for your needs. There are plenty of similar products on the market that are far more consistent and safer to enjoy.
As always, thanks for reading,